Sunday, April 25, 2004

Beware of Fried chicken
Fried Chicken can be a dangerous choice, for those with a weak constitution. Who knew that one dinner item could cause so much internal problems. Truthful did we have to look all over the world, under rocks, in tunnels, behind places, for weapons of mass destruction when they are sitting right under our nose, or on our plates.
I am of course referring to KFC, or what is now (according to my Iraqi dissident sources) Kitchen Fresh Chicken. This mad corporation and its "secret recipe," single-handedly has the power to bring the country to its knees, or rather to their toilets. Think about it is there any other meal that guarantees stomach problems with such accuracy and precision, that it possibly equal the threat of KFC. Not only that, but any other sane corporation would realize that if their food made every single customer sick they would not have good return customers.
Which brings me to my next point: how is KFC getting people to return to their "fine" establishments. The only logical conclusion is one of two: KFC either has an incredible marketing department, rivaling the hypnotic powers of Disney, or they are drugging their customers. The first is obviously not the answer--have you ever seen a KFC commercial, what's with the old guy? Or George Kastanza, if I'm going to buy chicken its not going to be from the bald, nervous sidekick of Jerry Sinfield?
One must then assume that KFC is drugging their customers to get them to return. One must ask themselves, "Why is the recipe secret, what do they have to hide. It's just chicken, what could possibly make it so special?" The resounding answer is that they must have something to hide, in fact their recipe surly contains chemical and biological agents that seep into your mind; soon enough you will be carving more and more chicken, and eventually you become the mental equivalent of a chicken. It is a recipe for world domination.
But how could they possibly take over the world, Jack. Think about it, if every single family were to get their hands on KFC chicken at the same time, they would have all have to use the bathroom, at the same time. This causes many detrimental effects; families would fight amongst themselves for the use of the bathroom, resulting in millions of domestic injuries; the stress on the sewer system caused by 100 million simultaneous flushes, would clearly back up the world's plumbing system, causing chaos around the world--not to mention a terrible stench. But most importantly it gives them a window of opportunity, where every child, every citizen, every government worker, and every soldier is uncomfortably detained for a period of at least ten minutes (this stuff is quite potent).
During this time the colon. And his crack troops of cooks, with strategically placed bases in almost every tricounty area, are free to take over the US, and then the world.


Post a Comment

<< Home